Joke of the day - Share all your jokes here!

Post all your jokes here! No spam please.
here goes:
Disclaimer: All that I'm about to post are not my jokes. They are stolen from somewhere. Ummmm I mean 'taken'. SSSSSHHHHHHHHHH



Lessons in Logic

If your father is a poor man,
it is your fate but,
if your father-in-law is a poor man,
it's your stupidity.

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I was born intelligent -
education ruined me.

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Practice makes perfect.....
But nobody's perfect..... .
so why practice?

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If it's true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?

............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... .....


Since light travels faster than sound,
people appear bright until you hear them speak.
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Money is not everything.
There's Mastercard & Visa.

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One should love animals.
They are so tasty.

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The wise never marry.
and when they marry they become otherwise.

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'Your future depends on your dreams'
So go to sleep

............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... .....

The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know
So.. why learn.

MUAHAHAH!
omg. but i dont understand the first joke, abt the father-in-law part ;x

a stupid man was asked to give his particulars

name: Tiff
Age: Still young
Sex: Never. Still under age
Religion: I only have experience praying my cat who dead 2 years before
Race: I love to race, how you know?
Nationality: I don't like National, I prefer Sony
Telephone number: House no telephone
Hand phone number: 3310 (*phone model, if you're confused)
Address: Kansas
City: I think so
Postcode: I never post anything
State: In my family, I am 2nd
Country: I love to travel to Canada
Marriage status: Secret
Email Address: Hotmail
Education Background: My teacher said not bad
Working experience: Last time got sell pirated DVD
Father's name: Daddy
Mother's name: Mummy
Current Salary: Depends on my daddy mood
Expected Salary: As much as you can pay
When can start work: Depends on my mood
Highest qualification: Ya, very high
Grade: Ya, very high
College/University: College
Signature: Can I use stamp?

MutteredNews.blogspot.com wrote:MUAHAHAH!
omg. but i dont understand the first joke, abt the father-in-law part ;x

it means you cannot do anything since your father is poor.
Your father in law is poor because you chose your gf/bf.

Great jokes! Enjoyed the practice makes perfect joke. Way to go MOREEEE!!

Yang wrote:Great jokes! Enjoyed the practice makes perfect joke. Way to go MOREEEE!!

Glad you enjoyed it.

This one needs some thinking to know the meaning
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Room Service (RS): "Morny. Ruin sorbees."
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service"

RS: "RyeRuin sorbeesmorny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"
G: "Uh yes I'd like some bacon and eggs"

RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"
G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."

RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem.crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."

RS : "Hokay. An San tos?"
G: "What?"

RS:"San tos. July San tos?"
G: "I don't think so"

RS: "No? Judo one toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes' means."

RS: "Toes! toes!.why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow inglish mopping we bother?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RS: "We bother?"
G: "No, just put the bother on the side."

RS: "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter, just put it on the side."

RS: "Copy?"
G: "Sorry?"

RS: "Copy, tea, mill?"
G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."

RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copyrye??"
G: "Whatever you say"

RS: "Tendjewberrymud"
G : "You're welcome"

wow, adam is so active in the forums!

I know that most of you did not do very well for your english paper 2. So, I'm posting more jokes today. Hope you will laugh a lot and have fun. Don't worry too much k?
P.S. it's a little vulgar.
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One day a kid was walking around the house to hear his parents arguing over the party they were putting on in the neighbourhood,

"Bi*ch!" the husband says
"Bas*ard!" The mother says

confused the kids goes into his parents room and asks,

"Mummy daddy what is a bi*ch and what is a bas*ard?"

Afraid their kid will learn anything bad the father replies,

"a bi*ch means lady and a bas*ard means man!"

the kid nods his head and goes back to his room to play with his train set once again he hears,

"Sh*t!"

He runs to his mum's room to see his mum with a lipstick smear across her face,

"Mummy what is sh*t?"

The mother replies,

"Its this brand of lipstick, now hurry up and go to the kitchen to see if you can help daddy!"

The kid runs to the kitchen to hear his dad yell,

"F*CK!"

The dad cut his finger when he was slicing the turkey,

"Daddy whats f*ck?"

The dad quickly replies,

"Nothing matey it just means im cutting the turkey!"

suddenly the door bell rings the dad tells the son to open the door for the guests,

"Hello where are your mummy and daddy?" the guest asks,

the kid answers back,

"Hello bi*ches and bas*ards mums upstairs putting sh*t on her face and dads in the kitchen f*cking the turkey please come in!"

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Learning Chinese in 5 minutes:

Ok read the english meaning and then OUTLOUD say the chinese words

(You MUST read them out loud or it doesnt make as much sense)


1) Thats not right....................................... Sum Ting Wong

2) Are you harboring a fugitive................... Hu Yu Hai Ding

3) See me ASAP.......................................... Kum Hia Nao

4) Stupid Man............................................. Dum Fuk

5) Small horse............................................ Tia Ni Po Ni

6) Did you go to the beach?....................... Wai Yu So Tan

7) I bumped in to a coffee table................. Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni

I think you need a face lift...................... Chin Tu Fat

9) It's very dark in here.............................. Wao So Dim

10) I thought you were on a diet............... Wai Yu Mun Ching

11) This is a tow away zone....................... No Pah King

12) staying out of sight.............................. Lei Ying Lo

13) He's cleaning his automobile................ Wa Shing Ka

14) Your body odor is offensive.................. Yu Stin Ki Pu

15)Great..................................................... Fa Kin Su Pah
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See if you can do this:
Read each line aloud

This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is dumbass cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat

Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top
Bwahahahahaha
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the han yu pin yin one is freaking funny

I feel dumb after reading the cat one ):

Can't believe i got jacked so easily. *Pulls hair off*

How can you tell if a snowman is a man or a woman?

Spoiler:

I had a bunch of Australian dollars I needed to exchange so I went to the
currency exchange window at my bank.

I chose the shortest line, just one guy in front of me.

He was an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a
little agitated.

He asked the teller, "Why it change? Yestoday I get two hunat dolla fo yen.
Today I get hunat eighty?"

The teller says, "Fluctuations."

The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white guys too!"

Apart from jokes, I will also be posting funny pictures or videos

here's some:

These road signs are pwnage

Muahahh! the sofa one is like soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ...
but it is funny
^^

Mc Donald joke:

One day, Jane's dad was talking to her

Jane: Hey dad! How will you reward me if I pass with flying colours for my examinations?
Dad: hmm...I will treat to McDonalds for a month
Jane: Wow thank you dad. You are the best!

When Jane got her results, she did not pass with flying colours,her dad did not look happy
Dad:Well Jane, what did you have to say?
Jane:Well I know for sure this means something
Dad: Oh? What does this mean?
Jane:That I will be treating myself to McDonalds for a month

THERE once was a very good barber in New York City. One day, a florist goes to him for a haircut. As he is about too pay, the barber says, “I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service.”

The florist is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning, when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and a dozen roses at his door.

A policeman goes to the same barber and, again, the barber refuses payment. The cop is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning, when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and a dozen doughnuts waiting.

A Singaporean goes for a haircut and he, too, is told the same thing.The Singaporean is happy and leaves the shop.

Can you guess what happens the next morning when the barber goes to open his shop? Come on, think like a Singaporean...

A dozen Singaporeans waiting for a free haircut!

Muahahahaha. omg man!

Why men shouldn't write advice columns:

Dear Larry:
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving
my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more
than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car
shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When
I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the
neighbor lady. I am 32, my husband is 34, and we have been married for
twelve years.

When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been
having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would
leave him.
He was let go from his job six months ago, and he says he has been
feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much,
but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly
distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through
to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely, Jane
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Jane:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no
debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and
hoses on the intake manifold and also check all spark plug wires. If
none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel
pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor
float chamber.

I hope this helps.

Larry

A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local Chinese laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of soiled clothes: 'USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!'
She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results, so the following week she enclosed another note: 'USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!'
The Chinese laundry man became very annoyed, and when her clean laundry was delivered, it contained a note from HIM: 'I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTY!!! YOU USE MORE PAPER ON BUTT!!'

The Silent Fart

An elderly couple was attending church services.

About halfway through, she leaned over and whispered to her husband, "I just let out a long silent fart. What do you think I should do?"

He replied, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

Adam post more!!! ;D the jokes are so cool !

Yah!I also like your jokes.Makes my stomach hurt after all that laughung

Thank you. Thank you.
You should check these videos out. I almost died from laughing today!

Links
Stupid tetris
Stupid crane games
Japanese zombie